


Kravitz gets murdered by a baby

by fandomsnstuff



Series: Lilliana Bluejeans [1]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, BLUPJEANS BABY, Bonding, Family, Family Bonding, Feelings, Fluff, Gen, Post-Canon, Team as Family, bio blupjeans baby, it's a magical fantasy world that's how it's possible
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:14:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22503847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandomsnstuff/pseuds/fandomsnstuff
Summary: Other than his bounties, Kravitz hadn’t interacted with living people in a casual setting since he’d been alive himself. Taako assures him that he’s doing fine, that the others are already weird enough that they won’t even notice if he’s a little awkward, but Kravitz can’t help but worry.After a while he finally feels as if he’s getting the hang of being among the living.Which is, of course, when Barry and Lup make their big announcement.~“I wouldn’t be surprised if her first word is fuck.”“No way,” Lup says, “her first word is going to be Mama. I can feel it.”“What about me?” Barry says, “who’s to say her first word won’t be Dada?”Taako laughs. “Hate to break it to you both, but her first word is going to be Taako, and that’s that on that.”Lup balks at her brother. “And what makes you think you’re going to be her first word? You’re not the one who’s giving her life.”“The power of being the favourite uncle is a strong one.”“Alright, asshole, if you’re so sure, why don’t we make this interesting?”
Relationships: Barry Bluejeans & Kravitz, Barry Bluejeans/Lup, Kravitz & Lup (The Adventure Zone), Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone)
Series: Lilliana Bluejeans [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1621729
Comments: 26
Kudos: 199





	Kravitz gets murdered by a baby

After the apocalypse didn’t happen, Kravitz didn’t know what to expect. So, he did what he did best. His job. He ushered Legion back to where they’re supposed to be, made sure all the souls lost during the battle for Faerun made it to where they were supposed to go, and he pulled all the strings he could to keep Barry and Lup out of the Eternal Stockade. 

But after all that… what came next? 

Taako. Taako is what came next. He had gotten a house right at the edge of Goldcliff, with Barry and Lup living in the one right next to it, and he asked Kravitz to stay with him. Kravitz couldn’t help but to kiss him, accepting the offer.

It was a little odd, getting used to living in the material plane again. The first night he stayed with Taako, Kravitz couldn’t even remember the last time he slept. Or the last time he wore pajamas and laid down in a bed. If he needed to rest, he could simply dismiss his corporeal form and just be the floating ball of light that is his soul, muffling the land of dead around him. 

But, over time, he got used to doing living things again. Eating, sleeping,  _ relaxing _ . Being alone with Taako, Kravitz found that living was easy. It was interacting with other people that had him fumbling. 

Other than his bounties, Kravitz hadn’t interacted with living people in a casual setting since he’d been alive himself. Taako assures him that he’s doing fine, that the others are already weird enough that they won’t even notice if he’s a little awkward, but Kravitz can’t help but worry. 

He’s been dead for so  _ long _ . He fears that no matter how in love with Taako he is, or how much time he spends on the material plane, he’s never going to truly belong in this world. He’s Death. The Grim Reaper. He’s a figure that people dread seeing so much so that they go to impossible lengths in an attempt to avoid him.

Even around Taako and his family, who’ve faced death more than anyone, Kravitz fears he doesn’t belong. Sure, Lup and Barry are liches, but they aren’t dead in the same way that Kravitz is  _ dead _ . 

Everyone else is kind, and they welcome him into their circle. After a while he finally feels as if he’s getting the hang of being among the living. 

Which is, of course, when Barry and Lup make their big announcement. 

It’s about a year and a half after the apocalypse when they tell them all that they’re going to be adding one more member to the IPRE’s ranks. That is, they’re going to have a baby. 

_ “Fuck,”  _ Kravitz thinks,  _ “I just got used to adults, I didn’t even think about children.” _

Everyone else is appropriately excited when they find out. Magnus is already making plans for baby furniture before Lup even finishes telling him about it. Davenport starts collecting trinkets and toys from every stop he makes along his voyage of the seas. Lucretia writes stories for the baby. Some are made up, some are baby-appropriate versions of true stories from her family. Taako builds up a collection of clothes and gifts and toys, and starts boasting about how he’s going to be the favourite uncle. 

And then, of course, there’s The Bet. 

It comes about at a family dinner, as most things do. They’re a few months out from what they’ve taken to calling Baby Go Time, and as a result baby talk is often the center of attention. 

At this particular dinner, Angus makes a comment about the family’s seemingly complete incapability of censoring themselves, finishing it off with, “I wouldn’t be surprised if her first word is fuck.” 

“No way,” Lup says, “her first word is going to be Mama. I can feel it.” 

“What about me?” Barry says, “who’s to say her first word won’t be Dada?” 

Taako laughs. “Hate to break it to you both, but her first word is going to be Taako, and that’s that on that.” 

Lup balks at her brother. “And what makes you think  _ you’re  _ going to be her first word? You’re not the one who’s giving her  _ life _ .” 

“The power of being the favourite uncle is a strong one.” 

“Alright, asshole, if you’re so sure, why don’t we make this interesting?” 

They put money on it. Lup bets on Mama, Barry bets on Dada, and Taako bets on Taako. Then everyone else wants in. Angus and Lucretia both bet on fuck, Magnus bets on doggy, and Merle bets on any curse word (despite some arguments that that’s a cop-out choice). Kravitz shows his support and bets on Taako, but also throws one in for any curse word. 

They call Davenport, who’s halfway across the world, and he puts in another bet for fuck. 

“Wait,” Magnus says as Lucretia is jotting it all down, “I want to put in a bet for my name too!” 

“You sure about that, Mags?” Lup says. “I mean, don’t let me stop you, but are you  _ really  _ sure about that one?” 

“Yeah! Uncle Magnus for the win!” 

“Hey! If he’s puttin’ his name in, I want to put mine in too!” Merle says. 

Lucretia writes down Magnus and Merle’s additional entries into The Bet and pauses. She purses her lips, clearly thinking something over. “Yeah, alright, fuck it.” She says, putting pen to paper and adding  _ Lucy _ to the list. 

Seeing that everyone else was putting money on their names, Angus throws his in there too. 

They call Davenport back and ask him if he wants his name added to the list. He tells them to put him down for Dav.

“Okay,” Lucretia says, “anything else?” 

Taako looks over at Kravitz. “Not gonna throw one in for your name?” 

Kravitz laughs. “No, I suspect that’d just be a waste of my money. I think she’s much more likely to say motherfucker than she is to use my name.” 

Lucretia looks over the completed list. “So if we’re done setting bets, we need some ground rules. Suggestions?” 

“If someone claims that she said her first word, we need to use a Zone of Truth to make sure she actually did,” Angus says, “and you’re not allowed to resist it.” 

“She has to say the word properly,” Lup says, pausing in her protests against Kravtiz’s assumptions about her unborn daughter’s affinity for curse words. “So if she says, like, Magus, it doesn’t count for Magnus, because she didn’t  _ say _ Magnus.” 

“You’re allowed to try and goad her into saying your word,” Taako says. 

“And if her first word is anything other than one of the words on this list, the whole bet is null and void,” Lucretia says as she writes.

The list goes up on Barry and Lup’s fridge, and once spring comes and the new baby is born, the games begin. 

Lup is sitting on the couch with her days-old baby in her arms. “Brother dearest!” She calls. When she gets no response, even though she  _ knows _ he’s just in the kitchen, she calls again. “Brother!” 

Again, she gets no answer. She huffs and turns to Kravitz, sitting in an armchair nearby. “Kravitz, why is my brother being an ass and ignoring me?” 

“He told me that he knew after Lilliana was born you weren’t going to use his name so he couldn’t win the bet, and so he’s decided he’s only responding to his name from now on.” 

“Asshole,” she mutters. 

“Can I get something for you?” Kravitz asks. 

Lup looks over at him, “strawberries?” 

Kravitz smiles, pushing himself up and out of his chair. “I think I can manage that.” 

He walks into the kitchen to find Taako already with strawberries out of the fridge, cutting some up into a small bowl. Kravitz shakes his head and leans against the counter. “Are you really going to not respond to anything but your name until the bet is settled?” 

Taako shrugs. “Probably not. Just like how Lup isn’t going to stick to  _ not _ calling me by my name until it’s settled. We’re just going to be petty for a bit, then it’ll be done.” He turns to Kravitz and holds out the small bowl of berries, “you know how it is.” 

Kravitz takes the bowl. “You sure you don’t want to deliver these?” 

“Nah, I’ve still got a dinner to cook.” He gives Kravitz a kiss, short and sweet, “you go be the knight in shining armour.” 

~

Lup’s game of not using Taako’s name only lasts a few days, as does Taako’s game of only responding to his name. 

“I only gave up because it was annoying just calling you brother the whole time.” 

“I can’t believe you had a baby then refused to use my name. Do you know how dehumanizing that is?” 

“You’re an elf, not a human, so your point is invalid.” 

“You’re an ass, Lulu.” 

“ _ You’re  _ an ass, Koko.” 

“Can I change my first word bet to ass?” 

“ _ Kravitz! _ ” 

~

It takes a surprisingly long time for Kravitz to be left alone with Lilliana for the first time. He wasn’t dreading it, per se, it’s just that every time he’s with Lilliana, there’s always someone else there. Either Taako or Lup or Barry nearby, easily summoned by the sound of the baby’s cry. 

Kravitz likes Lilliana, of course he does. She’s the sweetest little thing and adorably cute. He’s just worried about doing something wrong. He doesn’t mind having someone else nearby that he can hand her off to, if needed. But when she’s about six months old, he rifts into his and Taako’s house one afternoon, and finds a note on the fridge. 

_ Gone babysitting.  _

_ Come over when you get home.  _

Kravitz sets the note aside and makes his way outside, crossing the short distance between the two houses. He lets himself in through the back door and finds Taako sitting on the living room floor with Lilliana. 

“Taaaakoo,” Taako drags out the vowels of his name. “Come on, Lilli, you can do it. Say Taako.” 

Kravitz leans against the back of the couch. “I’m pretty sure Barry said they don’t actually talk until about one.” 

“I’m just getting her ready. Putting the sound of my name in her head. Gotta build that uncle-niece solidarity early on.” Taako turns to looks at him. “What’re you standing over there for? Come join us, it’s a party down here on the floor.” 

Kravitz laughs and moves around the couch to sit next to Taako. “Where’s Lup?” 

“Sleeping.” Taako pulls Lilliana into his lap, “Barry’s still on that one mission, and apparently Lilli slept like garbage last night, meaning Lup  _ also _ slept like garbage last night, so she’s taking a nap and I’m watching the baby until she gets up.” 

Just then, Taako’s stone of farspeech goes off. 

He answers it, a confused furrow in his brow. “Ren? Wh- No. What? That’s  _ next _ week! I can’t right now … I don’t give a shit if they’re there now, they’re supposed to be there later … But  _ I _ can’t! It’s my school, I shouldn’t have to- … Ugh, maybe I could-” 

Taako glances over at Kravitz. “How long will it take?” Taako asks. He purses his lips and nods as he listens to the answer. “Okay. Okay, fuck, fine. I think I can swing that, but give me like… five minutes … yeah, bye.” 

“What’s going on?” Kravitz asks after Taako hangs up. 

“Well,” he says, “there’s this meeting thing, and it was supposed to be next week, but there was a mixup so it’s  _ now _ .” He pauses, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth, “do you think you’d be chill on your own with her?”

“Oh-” 

“It’ll only be like, 30 minutes tops. I promise.” 

“Yeah, sure, that’s fine.” 

“Thanks, babe.” Taako plops Lilliana into his lap, and gives him a quick kiss on the lips. “You’re a lifesaver.”

“Quite the opposite, actually,” Kravitz jokes. Taako laughs, and Kravitz pointedly doesn’t look down at the little girl in his lap, wide golden eyes now looking up at him, startled from being changed hands so suddenly. 

“Do you need a rift over there?” He asks. 

“Yeah, if you could.” 

Kravitz stands, lifting Lilliana into his arms as he goes. Holding her on one side, he summons his scythe into his other hand. It’s not until he’s holding it that he realizes the scythe might be a scary thing for a baby to see, but he looks over at Lilliana, and she seems much more concerned with watching Taako as he puts on his shoes. 

Taako comes back over to them, and Lilliana reaches out for him. Taako smiles. “Sorry, munchkin. You don’t get to come along this time. You’re going to stay here and have some fun with uncle Kravitz.” 

Lilliana doesn’t protest when Taako doesn’t take her back in his arms, she doesn’t even cry when he hops through the rift Kravitz opens, leaving the two of them alone. 

Kravitz dismisses his scythe and looks down at Lilliana. She’s looking up at him, her eyes still wide and questioning, as if she doesn’t know what to do with the current situation. 

Kravitz sighs. “Believe me, Lilliana. I’m just as unprepared for this as you are.” 

Kravitz goes to put Lilliana back down onto the floor, when he notices a picture book left on the coffee table. Upon closer inspection, he sees that it’s one of the ones Lucretia made. This one in particular is the G-rated version of the night in Lucas’s lab. Kravitz laughs and looks at the baby in his arms. 

“What do you say I read you a story?” 

She makes some babbling noises that Kravitz assumes means yes. He grabs the book and sits back down on the floor, leaning up against the couch with Lilliana in his lap. He flips it open and starts reading it to her. He doesn’t know how much of it is actually registering in her six-month-old brain, but she’s quiet, so he can’t complain. 

He just hopes she  _ stays _ quiet until Taako comes back. He’s seen everyone else comfort a crying Lilliana enough that he could probably figure out what to do, he’s just worried about waking Lup. 

They’re almost at the end of the story when she finally breaks her silence. 

Kravitz flips to the next page, where an illustrated red-robe-lich-Barry floats in front of Taako, Magnus, and Merle, giving a dramatic, definitely-rehearsed monologue. 

Lilliana makes a whining noise and reaches towards the book. 

Kravitz pauses in his reading and looks down at her. She’s got her eyes fixed on lich Barry, her tiny pointed ears at attention. “Do you recognize him?” 

She presses her hand flat against the picture in response.

“You know, I think this would usually be the part where someone asks if you can say Dada, but I don’t think Taako would be very happy with me if that prompted you to actually say it.” 

Lilliana lifts her hand and slaps it down on the page again, letting out a little “ah!” 

Kravitz hums, thinking. He flips back to the beginning of the book, where the boys were still at their Candlenights party. “Lilli, look,” Kravitz says, pointing to different illustrations, “there’s uncle Taako, uncle Magnus, and grandpa Merle.” 

Lilliana is transfixed, and so Kravitz flips to another page. “Let’s see, who else do we have here?” He points to the drawing of each person as he names them, “aunt Lucretia, and Angus, and grandpa Davenport.” 

Kravitz goes through the book, pointing out people Lilliana knows, “aunt Killian, and aunt Carey. Oh, there’s uncle Magnus again.” 

Then he gets to one of his own appearances as a crystal gollum. He points to the monster and looks down at Lilliana, “any guesses?” 

She looks up at him, a look on her face that Kravitz would translate to mean  _ “I don’t know dude, you tell me.”  _

Kravitz points to himself. “That’s me,” he says. Lilliana looks between the book and Kravitz a few times, until settling back on him with an expression that could only be described as disbelief. Kravitz grins, “it’s true! That’s me! Here, I’ll show you.” 

He goes right to the end of the book, to the last couple pages, until he finds one of the drawings of himself with his proper face on (and not getting attacked by Legion). “See?” He says, holding the book up next to his face, as if to compare the drawing and himself, “there I am. There’s uncle Kravitz.” 

Lilliana’s eyes shift between the book and Kravitz for a moment. Then she reaches up and presses her hands against Kravitz’s cheeks, blowing a raspberry. 

Kravitz laughs. “You see the resemblance, then?” 

“Having fun?” 

Kravitz startles at the sudden interruption, and turns to see Lup standing at the bottom of the stairs. She’s wearing pajama pants and a loose t-shirt, her hair and clothes rumpled from sleep. 

“Sorry Lup,” Kravitz says, “did I wake you?” 

“Nah, Taako put a silencing charm around my room so I could sleep.” 

She comes and sits down next to him, taking Lilliana off his lap and into her own. “Speaking of, where’d he go?” 

Kravitz closes the book and slides it back onto the coffee table, “some scheduling mishap meant he had to go to the school for a meeting. He said he should only be about half an hour.” 

Lup hums, her attention more focused on intervening with the tiny hands currently attempting to grab and pull at her hair. Lilliana huffs when her hair-pulling schemes get interrupted, and Lup playfully huffs right back at her, an exaggerated pout on her face. Kravitz chuckles at the theatrics, and Lup looks over at him. 

“You know,” Lup says, “now that I think about it… is this the first time you’ve been alone with her?” 

Kravitz smiles, a little sheepish. “Yeah… I’ll be honest, Taako may have said it would only be a half hour, but I was still worried about messing something up.” 

“Aww,” Lup coos, teasing, “was uncle Kravitz nervous?” 

“Uncle Kravitz was  _ very _ nervous. She’s only been around me with other people there, what if she-” 

“I swear to god Kravitz if you say you were worried about her not liking you-” 

“It’s a valid concern!” 

Lup shakes her head. “She likes you just fine, bone boy.” 

The conversation moves on from there, but there’s a lot of things Kravitz doesn’t say. 

_ She’s at the beginning of life, and I represent the end of it. We’re opposites.  _

_ I don’t know what to do with children. I’ve been watching all of you with her, and I know it’s not all that difficult to entertain and take care of her, but what if I still do something wrong? _

_ I’ve been dead for so long, what if I can’t truly connect with a pure, living being like her? What if I don’t actually belong here?  _

Kravitz tries to ignore those thoughts as much as possible, and it gets easier as time goes on. He watches Lilliana alone a few more times, when schedules conflict in just the right way to put Kravitz as the only one at home. He figures out how to decipher what it is she wants when she’s screaming crying at 1am. He cares about her and would do just about anything for her. He just isn’t sure if she likes him quite as much, considering she almost always seems to favour Taako over him. Although they have theorized that it’s because she thinks he’s Lup. 

Nevertheless, Kravitz pushes away his fears and anxieties on the subject until they’re nothing but a quiet nagging at the back of his mind. 

~

The Bet finally gets settled on a day in late spring. 

Lilliana is just about 13 months old, and there was supposed to be a family picnic in the Taakitz-Blupjeans combined backyard, but a sudden torrential downpour chased them all inside. Kravitz is sitting on the couch with Taako next to him, and Taako’s got Lilliana in his lap. Everyone else is scattered around in the living room and kitchen. 

“Taako!” Lup calls from the kitchen. “Come help me pick a good wine!” 

“Coming!” Taako calls back. He lifts Lilliana up with him as he stands, settling her on his hip. As Taako starts to walk away, Barry comes over and sits on Kravitz’s other side. 

“Hey,” he says, “I’ve been thinking about those notes we confiscated from that cult, and I’m pretty sure-” 

“Kravitz!” 

Barry, as well as everyone else present, falls silent at the sound of a small, high-pitched voice. All eyes turn to where Taako is standing with Lilliana in his arms. She’s looking over his shoulder and has a hand outstretched back towards Kravitz. 

“Kravitz!” She says again, whining.

“Son of a  _ BITCH, _ ” Lup shouts from the kitchen. 

“Well, damn.” Taako says to Lilliana. “Alright, kid. Fine. I see how it is.” 

He turns back to the couch and hands her to Kravitz. Moving on instinct, he takes a hold of her and sets her on her feet, so she stands on his lap. Taako walks away to the kitchen, and Lilliana leans forward, putting her arms around Kravitz’s neck and smushing her face into his shoulder in a baby-hug. He moves his hands from her middle to her back, returning the hug.

“Kravitz!” She pronounces his name perfectly, and her tone is a much happier one, here in Kravitz’s embrace. 

Of all the things she could’ve said, of all the family members she could’ve called out for first, Kravitz was the one she went for.

Kravitz’s heart hasn’t beat in ages, but in this moment it swells and squeezes in his chest. His eyes sting and his breath quickens and Kravitz didn’t know that all those worries he held about not being able to connect with Lilliana were still so present within him. But having all of them dissolved at once with the utterance of just his name… it makes him emotional. It takes everything within him not to discorporate on the spot. 

Lilliana pushes back from her hug, and meets Kravitz’s eyes. She’s frowning now, and her ears are low and droopy. She whines and presses a hand against his cheek where a tear had inadvertently fallen. He can see her own eyes start to tear up and her lip starts to quiver. 

“Oh no, no, no,” Kravitz says, remembering that kids can read the energy you’re putting out, “please don’t cry, Lilli. These are happy tears.” Kravitz smiles, wiping away a tear that rolls down her cheek, “we’re happy right now.” 

Lilliana falls forward into hugging Kravitz again. “Kravitz…” she says, her tiny voice muffled in his shoulder. 

Kravitz holds onto her tight and presses a small kiss to her head. Barry puts a hand on his back. “You okay there, bud?” 

“Yeah,” he takes a deep breath, “yeah, I’m good.” 

“I told you you had nothing to worry about,” Lup says, coming into the room with Taako close behind. She stands in front of Kravitz with her hands on her hips. “She likes you just fine.” 

Kravitz laughs, “sorry for stealing your kid’s first word.” 

Lup waves it off, “don’t even with that, bones.” 

“You gonna let go of her anytime soon?” Taako says. 

“Oh absolutely not.” Kravitz holds onto Lilliana a touch tighter. “She’s mine now and if anything ever happened to her I’d throw everyone involved into the Eternal Stockade with no chance of ever getting out.” 

“Well in that case,” Barry says, “welcome to the club.” 

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to just be a fun thing about Kravitz's niece doing a one hit KO on him and totally ruining her family's bet in the process why is it almost 4k words.
> 
> Also Lilliana Marlena Bluejeans is my sweet baby girl blup baby oc and I love her very very much please ask me more about her if you'd like she's the best girl in the world.
> 
> Come on over to my Lilli-centric tumblr @lillianabluejeans


End file.
